I had a break through last week and decided that it is time to face my fear. Time to allow God to win the war even though that requires loosing this battle.
The problem is, ever since then, I’ve been acutely aware of how scary that “monster” really is.
So many things can take on that monster role. But for me, right now, it is my dad’s Alzheimer’s. I can “what if” it to death especially since I have young children. Not to mention how young my parents are. This isn’t supposed to happen to us…. You know the drill. Also the real possibility that when I forget what I was just thinking or misplace my cell phone, it’s the monster chasing ME! Statistics are not on my side since he has the early onset type of Alzheimer’s. Children of people who have this type have a 50% chance of getting it themselves.
Then again. I had a 50% chance of being a boy. Yet, here I am.
I lay awake last night thinking (no fretting) over the number of my days. How will I go. When will I go. I think it’s partly a mom thing, being morbid and dreading the end. What will my kids do without me etc. But then my husband got me to talk and I realized that when you look that thing in the face it isn’t any less ugly, any less fearful or monstrous it just means it can’t win. Standing and fighting is never being defeated. Fighting to the death and depending on the armor of God. That’s courage, that’s purpose.
Without those monsters I would be a purposeless person. A shell without passion. A weak and helpless individual. Even with them I am all of that unless I surrender to the fact that I’m not in control. I am not going to outlive this earth. There is only one who has and will do that and He knows the number of my days.
1 Corinthians 3:21-33 So then, no more boasting about men! All things are yours, whether Paul or Apollos or Cephas or the world or life or death or the present or the future — all are yours, and you are of Christ, and Christ is of God.
You see, we get life and death, now and beyond but in the end, for the battles we loose, we, through Christ, through God will win the war. And God will wipe away every tear!
So bring it on!
oh jess, can i ever understand. after my 3rd baby was born, i found a lump in my breast. i was so panicked. i had 3 babies under 3 and my mom died of breast cancer and i was in my 40s. breast cancer was a very, very real possibility. you should have seen me getting my mammogram. i was an absolute mess. did i trust my Father to see me through it? yes. did it still keep me from being terrified? nope. i wanted to see my babies grow up. i wasn’t afraid of the cancer, i was afraid of not seeing my kids grow up. of not having that long to live with my beloved husband. of course, after a mammo and an u/s, i was fine, but it really taught me to completely trust in Him. after all, He made me. i had to come to terms with the fact that God was a good and loving God and i didn’t really believe that He was going to allow me to have my heart’s desire FINALLY and then yank it away. alzheimer’s is definitely scary because you live but you don’t live…you watch your loved one lose their memory and become a shell of the person they were. i know…it happened to my grandpa. i guess we just have to rest in the fact that we have a loving Father who loves us who will be by our side every step of this journey of life if we ask Him to.
True and yet, as you said, it doesn’t take the fear away. God is good though. One of the blessing of this is my dad has had so much more time and energy to spend with us and enjoy his grandkids.
I felt the same way about cancer. Our family has a huge history of cancer, and my husband even quietly conceded to himself when we got married I would probably go through cancer.
I was diagnosed at 40. Knowing statistics prepared me, somewhat, as you are mentally facing those facts right now. But, all the worrying ahead of time did NOTHING. God’s sustaining grace to get through the trials did EVERYTHING.
You may or may not, have to face this. All I know, is that God’s grace is sufficient. Knowing this, look to the future, gird up your loins with prayer, and be ready to face life either way, and continue to give the Lord glory in all these things, as you always have sought to do.
Continuing to pray for your Daddy and your family.
Thank you Mindy. I pray for you too. You are absolutely right about not worrying in advance, it doesn’t add a single day!
You know my fear issues, Jess, so I’m not a great person to give you advice, but let me encourage you with this—-God promises to walk through the fire with us. If I have to go through the fire (whatever the fire looks like-alzheimer’s, cancer, loss, etc.) I want Him with me, with His hand on my shoulder whispering comfort in my ear assuring me that I am His and that He will never, NEVER leave me. Love you so much—-
Jessica (His Scribe blog) lost her daddy to Alzheimers. Perhaps that would be a place to visit. Or email her. She has a very strong faith, she might share with you something that would make that monster not quite so big?
I get the sense, however, that your family eats very healthy. And that you are being very aware of your environment. Did your dad do the same? I could be wrong, but i think that much of the increase in Alzeheimers disease is a case of environmental contaminants. You might want to look at that & see if there is more in your life (aluminum pots, etc.) that you’d want to get rid of.
I know that logic doesn’t help a lot with scary things, but faith is moving in spite of fear. If you do what you can to fight possible causes in your life (& as you pointed out, it isn’t a fore-gone conclusion) you may find the ability to work hand-in-hand with God on this one.
I hesitate to say these things & maybe sound condescending or unsympathetic. That is not my intent.
Love you!
Cindy, I wake up toward morning with so many worries I have whole file drawers full of them in my mind, organized by subject matter. I’ll blog about that sometime. Actually I don’t have as many as I used to. I think what is helping is a combination of 2 things. Finally, fully believing and opening myself to the crazy-love-delight-enjoyment God has in me (Zephaniah 3:17 helped) combined with a commitment to what I am now believing is true, that God is absolutely sovereign, that He has everything under control, hand-picks all the elements of my life and each day out of His love and will work every detail of them together to accomplish something more wonderful than I could have imagined.
Both my father and father-in-law had some variant of dementia at the same time. (I want to blog about that soon, too.) The last two years of Dad’s life were the 2 best years we ever had together. I am so grateful for them. He never lost his sense of humor and even when he couldn’t remember what we just had for dinner, he could whup me at Scrabble!
The enemy has us waste time fearing things that aren’t going to actually be bad at all. Like death. I’m coming to suspect that death must be really, really good because the enemy has us so tied up in knots thinking it’s horrifying. I can’t wait to prove him wrong.
Oh I so needed this insight today! What truth you’ve shared.
I was forgetting a lot last week (too much on my plate really) and it was getting me down, then my hubby and I did a free (for real) online IQ test and I kicked his fanny. LOL. It was strange how much relief I found in knowing that I’m sufficiently cognizant.
Dad cracks me up when he gets confused about where we are headed but can properly use words I can hardly pronounce. It is the enemy’s win when I let it cripple my relationships.
BTW- no prob about the name.
Oops, Jess, I called you Cindy. Maybe dementia is creeping up on me. Anyway, I love you. Thank you for your transparency.