Tag Archives: alzheimers

Author Jim Rubart is killing me!

Book of Days: A NovelI died and learned to live free in James L. Rubart’s recent suspense novel, Book of Days. You’ll have to read it yourself to see all of what I mean but let me tell you a little about the book.

Much like Frank Peretti’s, The Oath or Prophet, Rubart takes a spiritual concept and illustrates it in a compelling and fascinating story.

Cameron Vaux is plagued by the fear that he is loosing his mind to Alzheimer’s. His father is in advanced stages of the disease. Cameron is convinced that if he finds the Book of Days his dad talks about in a rare coherent conversation, he will be cured. He sets out on an adventure in a small town in central Oregon, filled with danger and romance. Cameron faces some of my own deepest fears, and yet, the story Rubart tells is full of hope and ultimately freedom.

I cried through the first two chapters, rallied for Cameron through the fast paced middle and celebrated in his victory at the end. This novel is a must read! I will always have a copy, or two, on my shelf.

Jessie Ann

For more on my biggest fear and my personal experience with Alzheimer’s see this previous post; Things I Can’t Talk About.

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Filed under Book Blab, Twenty Something

Balance, perspective, priorities, desires…

Balance, perspective, priorities, desires and that dog gone knowledge thing I can’t talk about.

These are always a struggle for me so as I learn more about photography (and have such great subjects, 4 crazy Thinglets) it’s hard not to spend hours editing, sharing, creating. I need to put myself on photo editing restriction or something.

I do the same thing with anything I’m enjoying. Writing is another project I have to keep “under wraps”. I’d love to fall into the page and forget my surroundings, learn new things and talk to God through my writing. If I could divide my time between writing and being on a horse with occasional picture taking, I’d have it made.

Or would I?

Last night was one of those nights. I think Pee Wee might be cutting her last eye tooth and so she cried off and on all night until, somewhere in the wee hours Matt got her up and sat with her in the living room. Not ten minutes later Loud Kiddington started howling and crying in his bed. Then of course the big boys tried shushing him. Everyone was up and hollering.

What a night. But still, the patience I need for my children is drained on days when I seek only to please myself. When I go to bed with an agenda for the next day and wake up with a list of desires (not just chores) I feel nothing but frustration toward the four little one’s who constantly derail my plan. But when I plan only to enjoy my children I find I have more debth of character, more passion and joy to pour out when able or simply enjoy.

After the crazy night all the kids woke up happy. Little Pee Wee came toddling into the living room, plucked her paci out of her mouth, threw it on the ground and and hollered “Where Daddy?”

So precious. I do have to say though, the thought did cross my mind that her big blue eyes and emphatic expression would have made an incredible picture. I was quickly re routed upon smelling what eminated from her diaper.

How could I miss these times?

Easily.

With very little sleep this morning, I dragged myself out of bed and poured a cup of coffee. I’ve been reading in 1 Corinthians. I found a quote from Isaiah 64:4 which is quoted in 1 Cor. 2:9 – However, as it is written: “No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him” — but God has revealed it to us by his Spirit.

So all this to say. I have plenty of my own plans. Tons of ambitions. Long lists of good things to do but it all requires me to KNOW! This verse points out that no one has known. I’m off the hook. I don’t need to know anything because if I could gain all the wisdom of the world it amounts to nothing next to God.

1 Corinthians 1:25 – For the foolishness of God is wiser than man’s wisdom and the weakness of God is stronger than man’s strength.

I need only to rest in Him, wait on His timing and pour myself out for my family. If anything interferes with that I’ve got my priorities upside down. If anything tempts me to put that off, that thing can wait because this innocence that my children now have, doesn’t wait. Before I know it they will be balancing their own lives and my job as advisor, counselor, late night rocker will be over and I’ll have days and weeks and months and years to pursue my desires.

Hopefully by then I will have learned the lessons and my days will be filled with living for Christ. For only he is wisdom. Only he is knowledge.

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Filed under Faith First

Ready for raw honesty? Hope, promises, life struggles and things I can’t talk about.

“I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”- Revelation 21: 2-4

I don’t like raw emotion and I really don’t like to cry so when it comes to my struggles I tend to keep myself busy enough to try and forget.

I had a wonderful talk with a dear friend the other day. We talked about ministry, family, and personal struggle. The person struggle part is something I’ve been avoiding.  The trouble is, I can only forget for a while and then the monster will start to sneak up on me from that deep dungeon I thought I buried him in. When he sneaks back, I don’t even recognize what’s wrong especially when I am isolated and completely self reliant.

Do you want to know what self reliance did for me? Loneliness, insecurity (and anyone who knows me IRL knows I hesitated to type that word 🙂 ), depression and two pretty major cases of PPD, along with general sickness and unhappiness, unrest and imbalance as I tried to keep that monster buried!

It all changed in a small group that I didn’t think I “fit into”. Afterall, I had few things in common with the older women in the group. I stayed because it was “the right thing to do” but I didn’t intend to know anyone, let alone be known.

What changed this time? Good friends, honest friends, friends who challenge me to face my fears and conquer them with Christ. Friends who won’t take no for an answer but will always be there until I’m ready. Friends who see through me, into me and really want to know me.

How in the world did I find such women? I didn’t. They are purely a gift from God that, thankfully, I choose to accept. Though I can say, I was not a quick one to break.

Because of recent conversation with some of those women, I’m ready to face my fear.

————

A friend and I, walking barefoot in the sand, were brainstorming the characters for my current WIP and the conversation turned to each of us. Here we were, psycho analyzing imaginary people and we decided to try it on ourselves. So I asked her, “What is your core value? At the end of the day what does it all come down to?” Nearly an hour and several stories later we came up with a satisfying answer for her. Then it was my turn.

I discovered that my greatest desire is knowledge. At the end of the day it all comes down to what I learn, how I pursue a new piece of information or not get daunted by a task I can’t figure out. It all comes down to learning and what I can know.

I had an “ah ha” moment. That’s exactly why I’m having such a struggle. Now what to do about it?

For the next week I milled it over in my head and bounced some ideas off of Matt. “Why can’t I have balance? Why do I have to pursue knowledge to such a degree that I can hardly sleep at night for some current obsession, er’ hobby?”

He had a good thought. “It’s seasons honey, you just have to ask God to give you clear direction and allow Him to take care of the rest.”

Okay that’s all fine and dandy but I still hadn’t identified what exactly was eating at me so I obsessed for the next couple day as to just HOW I was going take this new knowledge and learn something from it so I could not be so troubled.

Hmmm, sound familiar? Maybe that’s exactly the trouble and I haven’t truly gotten to the bottom of this… this… thing. Have I?

——————

So, after all that set up, here goes. The thing I hate to talk about. The current thing that I must surrender or continue to get eaten up by.

My daddy’s Alzheimer’s.

All the uncertainty that comes with that. How long? How bad? And the real chance that I could easily be next.

I really thought I’d forgotten about the fear, learned to live with the way things are now. I haven’t. I’ve been in denial.

You may have noticed that I put up a ribbon on my side bar but I don’t believe I’ve ever written about it. This is my one biggest monster right now. My greatest fear. A constant source of despair and confusion. I’ve prayed and fought it and hoped for a miraculous change but I feel I’ve lost that battle. It’s real and its not going away.

Well, I don’t yet feel better but I know that I need to face this thing. According to the verse I chose at the top of this post the way to win this battle is to go ahead and loose it, then forge ahead and win the WAR!

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Filed under Random, Reality, Ruse