Tag Archives: humor

Save a horse, ride a hound dog.

Please join me at my new web home JessieGunderson.com and don’t forget to like the Blog Schmog Facebook community HERE.

I had hoped to report to you that wrestling a Coonhound that is twice your size does- in fact- induce labor but it has been nearly 16 hrs since the event and I’m still with child. Or at least I was when I wrote this post. None-the-less, you might enjoy my adventure.

Why, might I ask, do these things ALWAYS happen when I’m very pregnant?

Here she is, “hiding” before her home surgery. Poor girl, really thinks I can’t see her. Insert the dopiest voice you can conjure up, “If I don’t look du’ humans in the eye they’ll never find me.”

I spotted her limping and discovered a small bone or quill stuck out from the pad of one of her toes. I grabbed a pair of tweezers and two strapping–er’ I mean scrawny little boys–to help me. I had Scarfunkle and Captain Obvious each hold a leg while I sat on the third leg (10 mo pregnant, mind you) and grasped the offending foot.

One little tweeze and that big ol’ hound was bucking and twisting. She sent Captain flying one direction and Scarfunkle plopped down the other, while I hung on for dear life. “Just…let…me…HOLD STILL WILLAMINA!” Then, just like those strange water wiggler toys grandma had at her house when I was a kid, that loose skinned hound slipped out from under me and I too took a ride. The three of us lay on the floor and Willamina hurried back to her “hiding” place. After several attempts we realized weren’t going to be able to do a darn thing so I sent her back out to wait for Matt. I hoped the snow would numb it some and keep any swelling down.

Of course I forgot all about it until we’d loaded the kids in the car to head to evening church. Matt went to put the dogs in their kennel and suddenly my memory jarred. Oops! Upon inspection we knew it couldn’t wait. The swelling had begun and the foreign object was now flush with the pad of her foot.

Hubby got the needle nose pliers. I got the scissors and tweezers. Scarfunkle grabbed a bag of ice and Captain Obvious tried to subdue the other restless Thinglets buckled in their car seats.

Surgery began and oh boy did she protest.

We sent Scarfunkle out to the car with a message, “Pray boys, pray!”

Let me tell you, there ain’t no more offensive odor than a stressed out hound dog! She excreted her stench and whimpered when Matt sat on her head. One hundred sixty + lbs of dog is something to be reckoned with especially one as wimpy as she is! She wanted nothing to do with our toe saving adventure and she let us know it. I sat on the rear half of her while Matt restrained the front half and I went to work.

Ten minutes on ice gave me just barely enough numb to cut around the thorn or bone or whatever it was. The prayers of three little boys were answered when in one tug I was able to get the darn thing out. It was a good inch long and stuck straight in. Poor girl!

Poor us!

We needed a bath. No time for that. I feel sorry for the people who sat next to us in church. Even a change of clothes and three or four hand washings couldn’t eliminate the stench she let off. Gotta love a hound dog!

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Filed under Farm Friends, Random, Reality, Ruse, True Tales

My daughter’s in a chicken suit!

Gotta love a two year old who wants to dress herself.

Today she chose a very unconventional coat–a chicken suit. But there wasn’t any convincing her otherwise.

Daddy said it’s all good, it goes well with our tarp “barn”.

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Filed under Farm Friends, Motherhood Uncensored, Thru the Lens

Last trimester and labor with a little bit of TMI

Please join me at my new web home JessieGunderson.com and don’t forget to like the Blog Schmog Facebook community HERE.

I feel like I’m on the big upward climb of a daunting rollercoaster. Click, click, click…. When will I reach the top? I’m afraid but elated. How long will it last? My heart beats a crazy rhythm. Oooo boy, here we goooooooooo!

I’ve written a series of posts with ramblings on pregnancy, birthing, chiropractic that works for turning babies in utero and more…. It is on my mind a lot lately. 🙂 Read the 2nd Post Choices in Fertility HERE

Thanks to Captain Obvious for taking my picture.

Last Trimester and Labor-

I caused quite a stir on facebook the other day with this…

TMI! TMI! TMI! So sorry Honey. I was begging for sympathy so I told my husband that trying to get around 8mo pregnant (after 4 other pregnancies) is like walking with a sack of flour tied to his “eh-hem”. I’m so mean!

I’m still chuckling about that one. Later I apologized and waddled off but I do think he got the picture. 🙂 He hasn’t asked why I’m grumpy since.

I hate gravity right about now.

When people ask me if I’m scared to deliver, a rollercoaster is the best way I can describe it. After having my first son in the hospital, I chose to deliver the next two, unassisted at birthing centers and the next (my only girl) at home. If all goes as planned, this little dude will enter the world, safe and sound, also at home.

Does it scare me? No. Yes.

Labor is always a bit scary but so is downhill skiing, rock climbing, rollercoaster riding. With all of these you could die or you could live with massive injuries or you could have great fun doing something that gives you an incredible rush and sense of power and life!

Life! A brand new life. It’s totally worth it. I felt robbed after my first delivery. I didn’t experience the pleasure and responsibility of allowing my body to usher my son into the world. But I know that things happen and I can’t always have my way. He is no less a blessing or miracle! Since I know the difference now, I’m sure hoping to chose the natural way once again.

I had a conversation with a good friend who is an anesthesiologist about preparing for labor and educating yourself (not relying on information fed to you) on the natural birth process. We agreed mothers should know, whether or not they choose to deliver unassisted.

He said, “If more mothers educated themselves, I’d be out of a job.”

So here I go again, having my baby in the comfort and peace of my home in my six-foot claw foot tub. I love water birth!

YIKES! I must be nuts.

Want details, just ask. I’m not shy about sharing my experiences.

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Filed under Just Me, Motherhood Uncensored

Why me? Toddler fun, mother woes.

Please join me at my new web home JessieGunderson.com and don’t forget to like the Blog Schmog Facebook community HERE.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m the most inattentive mother in the world. Or maybe it has something to do with the umpteen million plates I insist on keeping in the air.

Besides the obvious like mother, homeschooler, Bible study leader… I consider myself a writer, tackle small time farming, bake gluten free foods from scratch, garden, craft and try a slew of other hobbies. Somebody STOP me. Actually at the moment I do little more than lounge (if you can call it that when my belly makes it near impossible to lay comfortably), school my children and try to patiently grow this baby with a decent attitude. 🙂

But I frequently find things like this…

…and I wonder how I’ll ever survive or how I’ve already survived the first two toddlers. Yes, that’s my kitchen chair with a nice new coat of permanent marker. And where did I find the little artist?

Happily washing her hands, as if she can get away with it. What a gal!

Hi MOM! I washing hands.

She even had marker on her face.

So… if you come to visit you’ll probably be sitting in a newly decorated chair because I haven’t taken the time to clean it. As soon as I try, she’ll find three other things to “explore” and I’ll be off running again. It’s a wonder I never go into labor early. Maybe my babies know they have a limited time to themselves and they milk it (ha) for all its worth. Cause once they are born, boy it’s ON!

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Cooped up with the chickens.

Captain Obvious had a chicken farming mishap the other day.  He somehow got in the coop but couldn’t get out. I wondered what was taking him so long. I don’t know how long he stood like this before I looked out the kitchen window! “Oops, what’s he doing looking all forlorn?”

Dad to the rescue! And next time, take a shovel. 🙂

poor guy…

really mom?

well, at least he got the eggs

Smile Captain you survived…

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Filed under Farm Friends, Thru the Lens

Funnies…

Today is Blog Schmog Funnies because I don’t have the energy or time for brilliance. Or maybe because my kiddo’s are so dog gone fun!

♥ Peewee is scrubbing everything she can reach in the kitchen with a wet dish towel singing, “Ju-ah (her name for Loud) has tinky (stinky) butt, Ju-ah has tinky butt….”

♥ A friend of mine brought us dinner one night and as we were eating her soup Loud said, “That girl who brought us dinner is a good girl! But, I don’t like those things shaped like rainbows.”

I guess he doesn’t like celery. 🙂 That might be my fault but shhh.

♥ Loud Kiddington – “I don’t like that kid at kids church.”

Me – “That’s not nice son,” but he is crying so I persist, “why do you say that?”

Loud – “He pinches my cheeks and says I’m cute!”

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Filed under From the Mouth of Babes, Motherhood Uncensored

Pregnancy, my two youngest boys’ perspectives

Oh the things my kids come up with.

I get a good hearty laugh at least every day. Loud is a great story teller and I’m still working on him to complete such tall tales with the phrase “And that’s just a story.”

I was slouching on the couch, letting it all hang out (just meaning I wasn’t holding in my pregnant tummy) and 3yr old Loud pointed to my bump, “Mom is that where you keep your baby?”

“Yes, it sure is.”

He then appeared to inspect it and other areas of my shirt before pointing to my chest, which pre-baby is usually quite flat. Guess you could call it a perk of pregnancy because I’ve already grown a cup size. Thank goodness I’m out of training bras now. Any hooooo, back to Loud. 

“Mom.” He raised his eyebrows, “You’ve got two babies.”

“No she doesn’t.” Scarfunkle sat up straight on the couch.

“No I DON’T!” I got a little worried but then saw where he was pointing. A baby for each bump huh?

Scarfunkle decided it was his turn to interrogate me. ” Mom, why do I always want to ask where the baby comes out?”

Oh dear! I remained calm and tried to recall my pre planned response for the dreaded question. A wise mom once helped me map out some of the worst possible kid questions.

“Well, Scarfunkle, the baby comes out the birth canal.” I sat as nonchalant as possible, secretly crossing my fingers.

“Yeah but nowhere seems big enough.”

“You are right,” I sighed, “nowhere does seem big enough, its hard work but that’s how God made it.”

Would you believe it? He didn’t press me for more and though Loud is convinced he is getting a girl AND a boy baby there was no harm done. 🙂

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Filed under From the Mouth of Babes, Motherhood Uncensored

Spoon Saga – Spoon is in Minnesota

This postcard came from Spoon

This is what it said.

We are on another adventure. And guess what? We found our friend Minnie here.

Love Spoon, Buddy, Sigu and Minnie

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Why mom should have been watching the baby not helping.

BEFORE

My husband and father in law have been busy painting the outside of our house. Little Pee Wee is just dying to help out. She might take after her mom in just that one small little way! 😉 

I tried to keep the kids occupied but finally couldn’t stand just sitting around. I had to get my feet wet, er’ um, hand in the buck, okay what I mean is I really really wanted to help! 

Taz wants to help too

So while the kids were taking naps I painted my front door wine barrel red. 

Then someone mentioned how nice it would be if the windows could be cleaned after the paint dried. I noticed that the kids were occupied eating chips in the kitchen. Grabbing my handy squeegee and a roll of paper towels I headed out to make it happen. 

Half of a window later I heard a squish noise and then Pee Wee crying and not three feet behind me. 

She had rolled out a nice long stripe, in white trim paint, down the brown Trex decking and then walked right into it. 

ACK! I yelled. Droping all my window cleaning supplies, I ran and straddled the stripe scoopubg her up. 

“Hon, I need HELP!” 

Mom shoulda’ been watching the baby not helping.

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Filed under Motherhood Uncensored, Random, Reality, Ruse

Spoon Saga- Another letter from Hawaii

I received a condolance card allegedly from a friend of Spoon that said;

So sorry to hear about the loss of your spoon. I know you need him but he’s having so much fun traveling he doesn’t want to come home. He even found his long lost Hawaiian buddy! They’re having a great time hanging out and catching up with each other. Here are some photos. – the yellow scribbles are Judah’s addition.

The following pictures were attached…

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Spoon Saga- Postcard from Hawaii

Dear Family, I sure wish I could say I missed you….BUT this being held hostage thing isn’t so bad. While I was on my quest to find that stupid dish that left me hanging some how I get hijacked and ended up in Hawaii at some royal court with the Kind (Kakiehukie lama or some thing like that) & his queen! Go figure!! Love Spoon p.s. who knows where I’ll end up next.

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Filed under Random, Reality, Ruse, Spoon Saga - Spoof

Spoon, come back!

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Filed under Random, Reality, Ruse, Spoon Saga - Spoof

The funny things kids say.

Today I had a little help during lunch prep. Loud Kiddington was observing my every move so I asked, “Are you gonna be a chef when you grow up?”

His eyes got wide. “No. I don’t want to be a mouse.”

A mouse? What in the world?

I didn’t get it but then I remembered Ratatouille Rat! Ha!

—————-

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Filed under From the Mouth of Babes

Our tooth fairy is a thief? FAB Friday, join in!

Please join me at my new web home JessieGunderson.com and don’t forget to like the Blog Schmog Facebook community HERE.

Ah, young’uns!

So grown up and yet still so innocent.

I love it!

Captain Obvious lost another tooth recently. He thinks he is so sly now because he knows the tooth fairy is me. Of course I tease him and insist its not me. So when he lost the tooth he came and said “Mom, don’t forget to put money under my pillow.”

Right. Thought I. If he was gonna be like that there would be no money from me!

Well, Daddy came to the rescue and had a brilliant idea to give him a roll of pennies. He slipped them under Captain’s pillow bright and early then hustled off to work.

When Captain Obvious woke up he yelled, “Mom, the tooth fairy is a thief!”

“What? What are you talking about, just calm down.”

Apparently the very same roll of pennies that hubby took from the window sill in the kitchen had just been rolled by my toothless son. “That was my roll of pennies mom!”

“I’m sure there must be some explination.”

Scarfunkle joined in, “Maybe she ran out of money.”

Now, here was my chance, “Wait just a minute, how do you know the tooth fairy is a she?”

The boys looked thoughful for some time but soon came to the conclusion that it must be Dad then.

Shoot, caught.“Well,”  I had to think fast, “I think you must not have looked well.

 

“I looked good but this was under my pillow. I’m telling you Mom, the tooth fairy is Dad and he just took my money to pay me.”

 

“You’d better go look more. Look on your desk, in your bathroom. EVERYWHERE!”

 

Stalling!

 

While he was looking EVERYWHERE I quickly penned this note…

 

 

 

 

…and miraculously was able to sneak it (along with some original money) into his room while the kids were looking in the school room.

When Captain Obvious found the note there was silence in his room for a good three minutes before he stole down to the main area with the most rediculous look on his face.

I managed not to die laughing and asked him what was up.

He read me the note.

His brothers though it was the coolest thing ever and for now, I’m off the radar.

Dad might still be the “alternate” but Mom is certainly NOT Tooth M. Ferrie

WHEW!

Thanks for visiting, now link up with your FAB Friday post. Don’t forget a link back here. Like this…

Join others for the FAB Friday carnival at Blog Schmog or go visit my goofy friend at Blog Schmog so she quits bugging us about linking back, or some other such nonsense with a link to my blog and/or this post.

Enjoy! I’m looking forward to your stories. Click on Mister Linky to add your post.

For more info on how to participate click the FAB Friday page above.

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The Spoonnapping Saga Continues…

After receiving this ransom notfor by beloved kitchen Spoon I waited for more correspondence and this letter arrived from Phoenix AZ…
The letter reads…

Dear family,

I’m okay.  I’m being treated well. I only scoop premium ice cream. I think this guy is just lonely and jealous that a spoon like me has such a nice family to take care of him. He sometimes talks about his family. There was a crazy cat who played violin and a cow. The cow went away one night when the moon was full. He was never seen again. That’s when all the trouble started with running away.
We’ve been seeing a lot of the country. I’m a well traveled spoon! It was very snowy and cold in Montana so we went to Wisconsin. Lot’s of cows there. I think he was looking for his old friend. Didn’t find him. Now we’re in the sunny west. He’s questioning all the cowboys. I have to mail this before he gets out of the bathroom! I’ll be home soon.
Love Spoon

…and it is scrawled on the back of this poster that even makes jello wiggle with fear…

Has anyone seen Harley Quinn?

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Filed under Random, Reality, Ruse, Spoon Saga - Spoof