Tag Archives: seasons of life

Ready for raw honesty? Hope, promises, life struggles and things I can’t talk about.

“I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”- Revelation 21: 2-4

I don’t like raw emotion and I really don’t like to cry so when it comes to my struggles I tend to keep myself busy enough to try and forget.

I had a wonderful talk with a dear friend the other day. We talked about ministry, family, and personal struggle. The person struggle part is something I’ve been avoiding.  The trouble is, I can only forget for a while and then the monster will start to sneak up on me from that deep dungeon I thought I buried him in. When he sneaks back, I don’t even recognize what’s wrong especially when I am isolated and completely self reliant.

Do you want to know what self reliance did for me? Loneliness, insecurity (and anyone who knows me IRL knows I hesitated to type that word 🙂 ), depression and two pretty major cases of PPD, along with general sickness and unhappiness, unrest and imbalance as I tried to keep that monster buried!

It all changed in a small group that I didn’t think I “fit into”. Afterall, I had few things in common with the older women in the group. I stayed because it was “the right thing to do” but I didn’t intend to know anyone, let alone be known.

What changed this time? Good friends, honest friends, friends who challenge me to face my fears and conquer them with Christ. Friends who won’t take no for an answer but will always be there until I’m ready. Friends who see through me, into me and really want to know me.

How in the world did I find such women? I didn’t. They are purely a gift from God that, thankfully, I choose to accept. Though I can say, I was not a quick one to break.

Because of recent conversation with some of those women, I’m ready to face my fear.

————

A friend and I, walking barefoot in the sand, were brainstorming the characters for my current WIP and the conversation turned to each of us. Here we were, psycho analyzing imaginary people and we decided to try it on ourselves. So I asked her, “What is your core value? At the end of the day what does it all come down to?” Nearly an hour and several stories later we came up with a satisfying answer for her. Then it was my turn.

I discovered that my greatest desire is knowledge. At the end of the day it all comes down to what I learn, how I pursue a new piece of information or not get daunted by a task I can’t figure out. It all comes down to learning and what I can know.

I had an “ah ha” moment. That’s exactly why I’m having such a struggle. Now what to do about it?

For the next week I milled it over in my head and bounced some ideas off of Matt. “Why can’t I have balance? Why do I have to pursue knowledge to such a degree that I can hardly sleep at night for some current obsession, er’ hobby?”

He had a good thought. “It’s seasons honey, you just have to ask God to give you clear direction and allow Him to take care of the rest.”

Okay that’s all fine and dandy but I still hadn’t identified what exactly was eating at me so I obsessed for the next couple day as to just HOW I was going take this new knowledge and learn something from it so I could not be so troubled.

Hmmm, sound familiar? Maybe that’s exactly the trouble and I haven’t truly gotten to the bottom of this… this… thing. Have I?

——————

So, after all that set up, here goes. The thing I hate to talk about. The current thing that I must surrender or continue to get eaten up by.

My daddy’s Alzheimer’s.

All the uncertainty that comes with that. How long? How bad? And the real chance that I could easily be next.

I really thought I’d forgotten about the fear, learned to live with the way things are now. I haven’t. I’ve been in denial.

You may have noticed that I put up a ribbon on my side bar but I don’t believe I’ve ever written about it. This is my one biggest monster right now. My greatest fear. A constant source of despair and confusion. I’ve prayed and fought it and hoped for a miraculous change but I feel I’ve lost that battle. It’s real and its not going away.

Well, I don’t yet feel better but I know that I need to face this thing. According to the verse I chose at the top of this post the way to win this battle is to go ahead and loose it, then forge ahead and win the WAR!

11 Comments

Filed under Random, Reality, Ruse

What I learned in 2009 – Change is Necessary

Cherish my marriage, change my perspective.  These are hard lessons: humility, peace… some of the things I learned (am still learning) this year.  This is a post I published earlier in the year but it is timely and appropriate.

Happy 2010!

CHANGE:

I was convicted this week that I need to change my perspective on change.

I am a lover of all things old and have a constant longing for “the good ol’ days” which we all know never really existed.

We found old pictures in our storage unit and I was looking through them with this “Aw man, where has all the time gone” sort of lament when I realized all that has changed! All the wonderful blessings we have been given, all the new things I’ve learned and just how far we have come. Matt and I have grown so much in our marriage. We are no longer the insecure, suspicious and frightened kids we once were trying to figure out how to get along with someone in such close proximity. We are now more of a team, a united front, not afraid to disagree or share our disappointments. I know that his love is safe not contingent and not tied to a number of flower pedals or dollars spent.

I am still alive even though I lived in a state I claimed I would only live in “over my dead body” and yet I learned things there, made friends and enjoyed many parts of living there. Beyond that it has given me a greater appreciation for why I didn’t want to live there and makes me appreciate the differences, not taking for granted the place I had always known.

I am older now, not always wiser but I see in both Matt and I a quieter peacefulness that comes with time. We are more contended. I am still always striving but I dont’ have to be running around from this game to that, finding out where all the “cool kids” are. I can spend days at home with my family and be happy. We are also more compassionate and though I didn’t understand this before, passion has become a deeper shade of purple. It’s not a blinking, fleeting obsession it is a strong and solid force that drives our pursuit to be more like Christ and therefore able to love deeper and more fully!

I’m beginning to embrace change. Ask me again next week and I will be back struggling with the facets of change that challenge me and make me uncomfortable but today I am happy for the leaves on the trees and the tall tall pines that are a visible product of change.

As I drove around the lake yesterday with the windows down I could breathe. I could suck in deep breaths of glittering water and cut grass, I could even smell the sun on the bark of the evergreens.

Change- my enemy, my friend!

2 Comments

Filed under Faith First